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This is copy and pasted from an old and now unused blog that I wrote in August 2013. Since then I have make major progress in dealing with my anxiety and depression. I've still a long path to walk but I've now started =)
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I had an anxiety attack a few months ago in April 2013. The first one I have had since 2007/8. It was a minor one in that I was able to get it under control relatively quickly and the physical recovery was relatively quick. But after such a long time of not having them, it served as a wake up call to deal with my problems with anxiety.
I’ve had anxiety issues since my childhood and have only really started addressing them in the past few months. In retrospect, I mark the beginning of my problems when I had my first anxiety attack, around the time I was about 12 or 13 years old. While I was almost always anxious as a child, the anxiety itself never manifested as a tangible problem until that first attack. But I didn’t realise I was having anxiety attacks until I was 16. At the time, all I knew was that I was losing control of my mind and I was hugely ashamed. And I ‘knew’ I was dying. At least, that was what I thought was happening. As I lost control of my mind, I thought I was going to stop breathing and die. The symptoms of anxiety attacks vary from person to person but are terrifying in any combination:
-difficulty breathing, to the point of losing complete control over the function
-increased heart rate
-dry sweats
-nausea
-dizziness
-impaired/loss of vision
-inability to focus and control thoughts
These are some of the more prominent symptoms of my attacks.
An anxiety attack is incredibly draining. A ‘normal’ one usually takes a day or two of down time for me to feel relatively normal. And only physically so. The mental and emotional exhaustion that accompanies every attack can leave me feeling worn out for weeks.
I don’t remember the cause of that first attack but, over time, I have realised that my anxiety stems from minutia and everyday occurrences and hypotheticals rather than big events that are commonly associated with anxiety. I have huge worries about how my mum will respond to a decision I have made or how my family will perceive the person I have become or whether my friends see me as reliable or not. I know it makes zero amount of sense but these fears, coupled with uncontrolled anxiety, are terrifying and paralysing. They grow at an exponential rate and never stop. What should be minor worries, if worries at all, are escalated and made to be gargantuan complexes in my head. I fixate on them from anywhere from hours to years.
For the most part, I am comfortable in big and prominent situations. I am fine speaking in public or moving to a new country without knowing anyone. I can jump out of a plane or off of a crane (with a parachute or bungee cord attached) without a second thought. But given free time to let my mind wander, my brain goes into overdrive. Analysing the minutia and every decision, situation, or relationship I have and running multiple simulations of scenarios and outcomes all at the same time. Sometimes it can be as innocuous as going over a conversation I had and trying to figure out how I could have better expressed myself and other times my mind will run through the worst case scenario of a decision I made, why I made it, what I could have done differently, how I can move forward now, and what are the worst case scenarios that could occur with every possible decision from that point. To date, I still don’t go to bed until I am about to pass out, and I get up almost immediately after waking up because those moments of ‘down time’ lead me down a slippery slope of hyper-analysis that almost always ends in paralysing fear and worry.
To add some context to my complex, the reason I put so much weight on my anxiety and why this problem is such a big deal to me is that I derive most of my self-confidence and sense of self from my mind and the manner in which I think. I was never the biggest or fastest or strongest, so I grew up using my mind to keep pace and/or surpass my peers. I couldn’t outrun you but I could outsmart you. So after my first attack, I knew something was wrong with my brain. Something was wrong with the only thing I knew that made me equal to or better than. And I was ashamed. How could I compete if my only advantage is broken? And like any child, I wanted to fit in and feel normal. I was ashamed because my anxiety made me feel lesser than those around me. But as time went on, the problem became an invisible shield. I worked harder to always be sharper and quicker to connect the dots than my classmates. Anxiety became an obstacle to overcome and a odd badge of honour that I wore but never showed off. In my head, that I was still one of the quickest mentally despite having something wrong with my head made me even better. Better than what or whom? I still don’t know. But I felt an extra sense of accomplishment whenever I learned something new or was able to showcase my intelligence. However, in carrying on this way, I oddly lost sight of my own invisible shield. Over time, I learned to ignore my anxiety by constantly being on the move and busy. I never forgot about it but I got damn good at ignoring it and acting as if it wasn’t there. It was this mentality that led me to believe that I had sorted out my problem because I figured out a way to slow the anxiety attacks. Whenever I felt one coming on, I would separate myself from everyone and turn all of my attention to one aspect of the attack: breathing. For the most part, it works. If I can control my breathing, my brain cannot go off and run in a hundred different directions at a hundred miles an hour and I won’t lose control. If I didn’t completely stop the attack, I would at least lighten it. I confused my stumbling onto a way to stop my anxiety attacks with actually dealing with my anxiety.
I had fooled myself into thinking that I had it under control for years. In reality, I ran from my anxiety at every opportunity. If I was occupied and working then I couldn’t (over)think. And if I couldn’t (over)think then I couldn’t lose control and fall into the hole that almost always led to debilitating and paralysing anxiety attacks, and self-loathing. For years I unknowingly ran away from the problem and it grew until I started to lose control of my method of stopping the attacks. Before I had the attack in April, I had slowly been creeping closer and closer to having a full fledged attack. The slip in April led to a slew of anxiety attacks over the past few months. Some worse than I have ever had.
And this is where I am now. At this point, I know that it is a piddly and stupid problem to have. But I accept it. I still carry a great deal of shame with it but I am trying to work on it. I have made more progress in dealing with my anxiety in the past few months than in ten years. Throughout all of the years of this happening, I did my best to hide my anxiety from everyone. I spoke openly about it with my mum and some family about a month ago for the first time ever. I have a long road to travel but I am finally walking forward.